Too big shoes

In the recent weeks I've been feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Like I've found myself in too big shoes that I'm struggling to fill, as I stumble around grappling with life's responsibilities.

There're many advantages to working part-time. A lot of those pluses has got to do with being seemingly able to have the 'best of both worlds'. Having a job along with time for family. Space to have adult/intellectual conversations while still having the capacity to do weekday outings and imaginative play.

The flipside of this is that there are many times when I see the glass half-empty instead of half-full. I feel like a Jill of many trades but a master of none. I see FTWMs excelling professionally in their careers, and SAHMs who have systematically put together creative and conducive learning environments for their children. To me, I have done neither, and I'm a lousy housekeeper to boot.

Roboman tells me to stop holding myself to such high standards. While comforting, I don't believe I have that high standards, and am angry with myself for not having enough tenacity and energy to achieve all that I set out to do. I'm frustrated with my inability to do all that I want to do!

Sighs. Ok, I just needed to get all of that out. I'm going off to count my many blessings now, and pray that God will take care of my lil Bubs despite me!!


sharmane said...

I like the analogy of half full glass. For me, being able to spend quality time with kids wo finacial woes is already win win. Never mind the corporate ladder nor home systems. I just wanna be with my kid and fill him with fond memories he can look back on.

Lady J said...

Don't beat yourself too hard dear. I look at you and think 'Hey, this woman seems to have it all.. a job, a wonderful family and best of all, some time to her own when she feels like it.' :)

Claragaby said...

I do think you set harsh standards for yourself!
I read your posts on Bubbles, your observations of her developmental journey and the things you girls enjoy doing together - and I think, man, I want that as well :)

Keep your chin up babe, 24 hours a day is too short to regret any.

celcilia_tjioe said...

Dun frown babe, its unbecoming. Cheer up and stay happy!

Mum in the Making said...

Big big big hugs! I think I know the feeling too, its like being spread too thin? Well, I think you're doing great at balancing it all, and I think you're an amazing mummy and a good housekeeper... It must be challenging juggling it all, and you're doing a fantastic job... Hang in there my dear, chin up! Will keep you in prayer!

mummybean said...

i know exactly how you feel, being a fellow part-time working mum. there were (and still are!) many projects and learning activities that i wanted to do with noey but could never find the time for. now with naomi in the picture, i'm really just trying to stay afloat! working part-time is really three full jobs -- in the office, running the household, and also caring for the kids.

but i learnt to just value the time spent with noey (when it was just him) on the days i didn't work, even if it was just bringing him around while i ran my errands. he is very fond of the supermarket as a result! haha. it builds that relationship bond, and there is so much we can teach them just by talking to them everyday. and it's obvious that Bubbles is developing really well so think you're doing just great in that respect!

fibrate said...

Ah, this is familiar territory :) I could start a new blog to document my maternal hang-ups! Maybe we're all guilty of setting impossibly high standards for ourselves. Trust me, I wouldn't mind working part time at all - you do have the best of both worlds!

Miss Leney said...

Its all about expectations and I reckon your hub is right. We are our own worst critiques and I often get piss at myself for not achieving what I set out to do and whinge about not enough time in a day etc. But at the end of the day my dear, we're all trying our best to do the best we possibly can. Be gentle on yourself and I think you're doing a fantastic job having to juggle with working part time, looking after a toddler and being a wife. :) xx

sockling said...

Although I am a FTWM, your post echoed a lot of my thoughts. On work days I only get a couple of hours with the kids in the evening before bed and it is hardly any time at all. Sometimes I do feel frustrated being pulled in many directions.

As women and as mothers we do tend to have high expectations of ourselves. We are our worst critics. Keep your chin up, babe.I'm sure you are doing the best you can!

Mummy Kless said...

Hey I feel the same way as you too! But I've grown to comfort myself that every mummy always seem to have something she is dissatisfied about and want to do more for her kids and family. We just try our very best! =D Jia you!!!!

Jacinta said...

He will! He definitely will. :)

Btw, have emailed you the pics!

Anya & Arielle's mom said...

Hey dear,

I quite agree that you may be too harsh on yourself! To me, you are doing wonderfully, at least the parenting side! Bubbles is seemingly ahead of her peers in terms of various aspects of development (speech is one!). And she obviously thinks of the world of you!

You know, I felt insulted when The Husband proposed getting a domestic helper when I was preggy with no. 2. Afterall, I am a SAHM! But I've learn to just let go a bit. Sometimes, it is not just about living to our own standards, but also to live within our loved ones' standards so that theirs hearts can be set at ease. I'm sure this is just a 'down' phase. Pray for positivity, you will be fine!

Anonymous said...

Take Care. It will all work out.

Susan said...

Don't let the bad days get you down. It's not easy juggling both work and taking care of a toddler, and I think you've done great from your blog entries of Bubbles.

I think many times, we moms forget to cut ourselves some slack and assume we must be good at everything. So it's perfectly fine to have moments like these. *hugs* Hope you feel better soon.

Ruth said...

I pray the last line all the time. I am officially a SAHM but I feel inadequate at really teaching my two kids. It's such a struggle!

M. said...

I agree we are our own critiques. Yes there will be such days we feel so incapable and weak. It's also these days we remember our strength is in the Lord and really trust and rely on His strength. Hope your glass becomes half full again. Hugs n

iwhip.iwok.icraft said...

Don't be too hard on yourself babe. I think a lot of people (me included) look forward to this balance you are having now, a part time job that keeps you connected to the working world yet sufficient time to spend with the little one.

You are doing a great job! There are so many people rallying behind you! Stay happy! =D

Corsage@A Dollop Of Me said...

I love your sense of contentment and gratitude! I have much to learn!

Lady J:
Wow. Thanks for sharing how you 'see' me. It is an encouragement in itself although I tend to view my shortfalls in relation to very capable people around me.

Indeed! I almost feel like I need to 'show results' for working less! I realise many SAHMs may feel this way too. Yes, regrets begone!

haha, ok. Frowns gone these few days :)

You're one of those I really admire! You do the juggling act so well and with a large dose of beauty thrown into everything you do :) Thanks for prayers!

Corsage@A Dollop Of Me said...

I know you would understand! I read your comment last week and in the past few days, I've consciously reminded myself to enjoy the simple moments spent with the Bubs. Like sitting in on the ground outdoors just feeling the breeze on our faces :) My Bubs loves the supermarket too. Esp certain ones that have lil kiddy shopping carts!!

There's a lot one gives up when working part-time, especially when doing the conversion while in the same place. That said, I am really grateful that I have this option! I just need to remind myself to see the glass half-full really. And to be thankful for what I've been given! I reckon I will need encouragement time and time again, and to be told that I'm not alone :)

You're right about being our worst critics! Now that I'm over that 'down' period, I can say with certainty that I still prefer to be the worst critic of myself than to have the worst being another party! hee.

I really take my hat off to mothers like you! I do wish we had a slower pace of life here.

Maybe that's because we're the good mummies! wahaha! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!

Corsage@A Dollop Of Me said...

Thanks so much babe! Just replied to your mail. LOVE the pics :)

Anya's mom:
Thanks dear. Yes, I was really down and I'm thankfully over it (for this phase anyway). I totally hear you about the helper issue. So you're getting one? I'm actually dreading having to deal with this when we have another child. To everyone's opinion I do need a helper. It is this sort of thing that makes me feel so below the mark! May God grant us wisdom, humbleness and strength to handle this situation!

Thanks dear. I'm better this week :)

Thanks :) Yes I think I will always have these days. My down phases! But you're absolutely right, I'm one of those that really wishes I can be good at everything! I've only let go of the fact that I'm not naturally good at housework at all =P

Thank God for watching out for us and our kids!

Thanks babe. Yes, I've realised that I've taken too much pride in my own ability/work. My strength should lie in God and in the past weekend I've been reminded that all glory of my 'successes' in life should go to Him as well. I am but nothing without God's grace and goodness!

Thanks dear for your encouragement. I really appreciate all the support I've received, yours included!! By the way, thanks to you, I bought those nude heels too :) Really saved my lower back at work!