These few weeks, I've had friends who went off on holidays sans kids/babies. Childcare arrangements were made and the couples took off for romantic getaways. One mother was still breastfeeding, and lugged her breastpump along to prevent engorgement. All the couples reported that they had a wonderful time, and although they did miss their kids, most felt that the getaway was worth it.
In contrast, a colleague shared that her husband and her have
never gone on a date since their 1st child was born. (He's now 7!) They did try once - they made reservations at a restaurant and arranged for the Gramps to babysit. However, on the way to dinner, they felt so bad for leaving their boy behind that they turned back to pick him up. In response to my (
kaypoh) question, she said both her husband and her feel the same about this, and have since not made arrangements to go on dates.
The recency of these related experiences made me think about
my own marriage to Roboman. Certainly things are not the same since the arrival of Bubbles, and I don't think it is reasonable to think that it should be.
The focus of our marriage now is undoubtedly Bubbles. For her, our lifestyle has dramatically changed - we now have most dinners in, plan weekends around her, keep our socials to baby-acceptable standards, moved furniture to ensure her safety etc. Basically, we enjoy personal and couple time only when she is being taken care of by the grandparents, or is asleep. I've realised that this change in lifestyle is what scares many people from choosing to have kids.
We have also found out what it means when people say 'marriage is hard work'. Because it can be, and especially so when you have children. You have to work to pay the bills, get by with little sleep, deal with baby related challenges, sacrifice personal time and enjoyment, and constantly make decisions for the sake of someone else. Having a kid also opens up a whole new area in a marriage that includes a change of relationship with parents and in-laws, and the surfacing of deep-rooted, sometimes subconscious beliefs and expectations that each of us hold.
Roboman reminds me that our kid(s) will grow up and leave home to lead their own lives and therefore I should remember to have a life apart from Bubbles. I remind him that I still need to be romanced even though I am now a mother and only have pockets of time to spare. We take time to have deep conversations, to pray together, to work on our differences, and consciously take steps to strengthen our marriage in this season of life. Some things we manage to change straightaway, some, we acknowledge that we may take a whole lifetime to perfect. We work on appreciating each other more, and train our hearts and minds to see the positives that each of us bring to the marriage and family.
For some of us, taking steps to protect and strengthen the marriage may mean date nights or child-free holidays too, or not. Whatever it may be, press on, for a strong marriage is the best home for children.